What do you think?

This is just a little of the novel I%26#039;m writing. What do you think?





Mordecai%26#039;s Magic Shop was chili that morning. The two round portholes that let the dawn rays were fogged and webbed with frost. The maroon walls were alive with purple light from the paper lanterns that dangled from the ceiling. Each quivered with a private flame. The violet light glanced off the different items of the store. Green wine bottles filled with remedies, crystal goblets, turquoise amulets, silver challises of holy water, tin mugs of herbs.


In the furthermost corner of the room, behind a bend lay a small tiny kitchen. A pot bellied stove murdered to itself. It had four burners, each holding a skillet, a kettle, a pot, and a griddle.


Three hooked strings hung from above the great stove, each holding a porcelain teacup, each with a different floral desighn. The room glowed with the tropical scent of mango and chamomile that resonated from the kettle.


In a large emerald arm chair next to the stove, an extre

What do you think?
Be careful J.K. No one is ever thrilled with a successful author%26#039;s 2d creation. It%26#039;s too much Harry again.
Reply:Even though I didnt read it all and my English is limited. I think that%26#039;s a good novel...what I have learn in HS and College makes me think you are doing a good job...Good luck with your novel and I hope you share it with us someday





I will be helpful for me :D





Colombia is passion
Reply:I really liked it, good job.
Reply:it definately sounds like harry potter and while it was interesting, it didn%26#039;t hold my attention very well.
Reply:I think that the shop was probably chilly, not chili, which is either a small pepper or a stewy soup.
Reply:I for one am NOT a fan of fantasy, magical novels.


I don%26#039;t read fantasy books, so I can%26#039;t really lecture you about the structure that they normally contain. Even so I feel obligated to tell you that I would never read this. You described the circumstances (the scenes what ever you want to call it) with an overwhelming amount of detail.


I don%26#039;t care that there is a tiny kitchen some where with a skillet, and a kettle and or even a pot, I care about the story.


Your first paragraph completely threw me and made me want to vomit up hidden boredom, I didn%26#039;t know existed.





Just remember to write the story, not circumstances that don%26#039;t matter in the long run.


Gag.





I know for a fact that you can do a lot better then what you have writen here. You have a great talent, but it seems (to me) that you have no idea how to create a presentable outline, for even a single paragraph.


Try again.


That%26#039;s the best way to succeed.
Reply:Don%26#039;t drag it out to much at the beginning, but it was good and I would like to here more of it. You did really goo with describing everything, it was like I was there. Read mine and tell me if it is good.......





Chapter 1: About Me!








Alright, first things first. My name is Mallory Davis and my first year of high school is starting in 3 days, 7hours, 11 minutes, and 23 seconds. I can’t really decide if I am excited or not. Should I be? Let me tell you some things about myself. As I said before, my name is Mallory Davis. I just turned 14 a couple weeks ago.


I have two sisters, Charlotte, who is 17 and entering her senior year. We call her Charlie. She is having an argument downstairs with my mom. She is mad that mom couldn’t have had me a year earlier or maybe a year later, so then we wouldn’t have to be in the same school together. She says I am an embarrassment to nature. (Still, not sure where she heard that one.) My younger sister%26#039;s name is Bella, not short for anything, just Bella. She is just now starting Kindergarten this year and she still sucks her thumb. My mom has been trying for the last month to convince her to stop. She even tried telling her that the other kids would laugh at her. But Bella’s response was that if anyone did that than she would punch him or her in the face. But, all together she is a pretty sweet sister. Just kidding, she is a terror and I swear she is a little boy trapped in a little girl’s body.


My parents are Herman and Marla. My mom works at a hair salon and does nails and my dad works at the hospital. He knows nothing about health, he just does something on computers. None of my family really knows what he does. Yeah I know, I am the only normal one in this family. Well, except for my hamster Bubbles. He is a sweetheart and I love him dearly.


What else can I tell you? I am about 5ft 6in with shoulder length dark brown hair and I am really tan. I love sports. I run cross-country and track. I also play basketball. I get good grades but not in the boy department. I have never had a boyfriend, and no I am not ugly! Well at least I don’t think I am! Boys just scare me sometimes. I have a best friend named Jolie who lives only a couple miles from my house.


“MALLORY, I TOLD YOU TO WATCH BELLA! SHE JUST TORE A HOLE IN MY NEW SOFA!,”


Uh-oh, that’s my mom, oh and another thing I forgot to mention is that I forget things easily. Got to run. Oh, and before I go, if you thought things would go somewhat smoothly this year, you couldn’t be more wrong.





I am 14 and that is the first story I have started. I know it probably needs some work and you are a good author, so could you give me some hints and help me out?? just post it with your question.





Will you try to do it as quick as you can?





Thanks!!!!!



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